The time I wanted to break my legs, otherwise titled, ‘In which I feel like sh*t”

cloudsonthelakeI’d like to have energy and feel great. That is to say, I wish I did not have fibromyalgia.

That is to say, I wish I did not have continuous headaches, I wish I did not have a sore throat and earache 6 out of 10 days. I wish I didn’t feel like I was burning right under my skin down to my bones on the worse days. Like a huge elastic band snapped back and stung all over on the better days.

I wish I didn’t have lower back pain, shoulder and neck pain and I wish I didn’t have sharp pains in random places and I wish I wasn’t exhausted and feverish-feeling all the time. I wish stirring porridge and mashing potatoes and lifting children and fastening seat belts and sitting and standing up and not lying in bed all day with a hot water bottle didn’t hurt and exhaust me quite so much.

I wish I didn’t have muscles that tell me I have an infection that really is just a figment of their imagination. Who knew muscles had an imagination?

I wish that even though I do have those things, I didn’t have the depressing feeling of not being able to accomplish anything, the looming future before me, scared of having to go through the days and more days and then after that still more days.

I wish I could lie in bed without my finger hurting because it touches the sheet. As it so happens, when you lie down, a lot of body parts touch the sheets and I don’t suppose I could fall asleep floating above my bed.

At the very least, it would be nice to have an actual fever and then get better, as opposed to feeling feverish each and every day without ever having a true fever and without ever getting better.

However, I do.

Maybe someday I will feel better, but right now I don’t. I have asked God to heal me and I have also asked Him not to heal me if this is the way to purify me and if this will make me more graceful, merciful, kind, loving, forgiving. Because even more than feeling healthy and having energy, I want to be those things.

And if God in His all knowing wisdom knows that being sick and being in pain will make me more like Him, then being healthy and capable of doing all sorts of things for Him would, then please, let me not grumble and cry out and beg Him to make it stop.

So I will trust Him because He know best. And if this is best for me, then so be it.

Regardless of what gifts He gives me, I want to praise His name. I want to praise it in sickness and health, in good feelings and bad feelings.

Regardless of whether the gifts He gives me are fun and exciting or heavy and wearying, I want to praise His name and follow.

Because I love Him no matter what, and I will love Him no matter what.

In other words, I will not desperately wish anymore that I might break my two legs so that I can have me several weeks of forced bedrest. I will try not to, at any rate. (And really, even an appendicitis would do)

Because more, always more, I will wish for Him, long for Him. Long for His love to be deeply ingrained in my words and actions and thoughts and motivations.

To be unshakeable in and with His love.


It is well


There are busy people and calm people, fast and slow ones. Happy-go-lucky and melancholy people. There are al sorts of people and all sorts of days.

Busy ones and calm ones. Happy and melancholy. Days full of plans, dreams and energy, days that are empty, tired and without vision.

There are people who live in extremes and I might maybe possibly be one of them. If there is a happy day, I am certain that all days will from now on be like that, or I want to make sure they will be. When a slow and visionless day comes along I become instantly depressed and convinced that all days will from now on and henceforth ?always be […]

My fairy garden – for rainy or cold vacation days and broken teacups


Sunny summer afternoons. I close my eyes and I am lying beside a little creek that happily rumbles on by. Little flowers brighten the grass.

A cottage stands a few meters away, doors open, and inside the teapot stands, making a little chimney of damp up in the little kitchen.

A rabbit is eating clovers unders some bushes right behind me and I don’t move, not wanting to scare if off.

Butterflies and birds sing in the trees, the sun shines and everything sparkles in a calm, bright sort of way.


A loud crash sends me running to the kitchen to see what it is that broke and there it was, my most favoritest teacup, in a whole […]


At the end of the sand, the beginning of the water, and the water comes and goes. Feet in the wet sand and the wave comes back, covering my feet.

Waiting on the next wave, staring at the blue sky and the clouds far away. Seagulls fly there and come back and I want to ask them what they found there, far away in the golden sky. I can almost feel my wings as I imagine flying there but they are missing and so I stand and wait. I don’t know what I wait for, really. It’s always something different, something small and insignificant yet important to me at the moment. Underneath, surrounding that, there is a mysterious […]

Walking on this waterless floor

Abel is going to fight lions and Gabriel is going to save the world like Superman.

A little later they are scared of the dark and they don’t get the discrepancy in that.

I used to plan to go and save orphans, do big things and make everything better.

Now I clean the floor and I don’t know what to cook tonight. I am impatient with my boys who disturb me in my fretting about food. In my subconscious, I assume I will become patient in an orphanage full of children. I will most likely undergo a character transformation on the plane ride there. I must have figured that was how it would go when I was younger. Because […]

Summer vacation, all the good and fun and pretty and yummy things!

Summer VacationLong summer days, running through the grass barefoot. Playing in the sandbox. Sea, sun, reading books.These first days of our belgian summer vacation aren’t all that summery and idylic, like the slow-motion images of my childhood that play in my mind, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be as much fun.We can read inside, on the couch, just as well. We are big fans of this book:

We have a sponsor child as well, and I think Abel finally gets what it means. This book is about a boy named Abel, and our Abel loves that. Abel lives in Kenia, where our sponsor child Leperan happens to live as well. The drawings are unbelievably pretty, and I’m […]

Prettified Budgetting

?People are always saying that marriage is about compromise. It was one of the things I figured I would be good at because I knew the theory by heart. Like the way I thought mothering would come naturally. As it usually goes in life, I knew less than I thought I did. I’d like to make a list and a plan and read a book and then know it all and do it all perfectly. Regrettably, it’s not that easy. ?It’s not a big and noble action.

It’s in the little things, and those make up the big things.

And so the thing is that at home, my daddy always did our finances.

Mike’s Mommy always did their finances.