Een foto zegt niet altijd 1000 woorden

In the evening I sit on the steps that go from the kitchen down to the living room, and I want to take a picture.

For Instagram, you know. This moment is perfect, and I want to remember it. If perfect food goes on Instagram, shouldn’t perfect moments?

Because there is Mike, with Caleb on his feet, dancing to Billy Joel’s Piano Man.

Gabriel jumps from couch to couch to coffee table.

Abel dances around his daddy and two brothers, running and skipping.

But Caleb’s worn out sweatpants are sagging down. His t-shirt is dirty.
Then there’s Gabriel who still has a considerable amount of food on his face, with a generous helping of snot wiped over and around it.

Abel’s one sock is falling off and the other one is pulled up high over his pants.

I don’t have a white wall, and they always do so well on Instagram.

So I sit here, looking as hard as I can. Sitting in the 3-D picture and it’s going viral in my heart.

To this perfect moment that looks so incredibly imperfect.

I send a laugh to Gabriel, who is telling me about the dragon he will kill. Dancing and falling because he is, after all, my son. Therefore, more than a little clumsy.

He looks back to see if I am listening and I say yes, I nod and I smile, laughing. I put down my phone, put down the article on a Sobibor-survivor to look at the little person in front of me that has only been here on this planet for 4 years. Never been here before in all the many years the planet has been around. A piece of me and a piece of my very dearest of dearests, and a whole lot of pieces that God wrote and made just for this little human. Something young that gives this painful world wonder and love and loud laughter.

Caleb’s laugh is still a delicious baby laugh, his little foot slides away and daddy puts it back on his own foot.

Abel shouts through the round hole in the brick wall that is so perfect for family pictures, that he is the fastest in the whole world. His hair is standing out in all directions it possibly could. He’s covered in a little layer of sweat, as usual, from all the running.

And I don’t even take a single picture because this moment feels like so many more words, impossible to capture in a picture. And I LIKE it.


The unaesthetical Christmas tree

After 10 years of Christmas Trees being forbidden, they were welcome in our house again. In 17-year-old enthusiasm I attacked the tree.

It would be gorgeous. And perfect. And totally awesome.

My 8-year-old sister agreed but dear me, did she ever have different ideas of gorgeous then I did!

For some reason, someone thought it was a good idea to give her a gigantic, flashy pink and yellow heart and my sister believed it to be an ornament for the tree no matter how many times I told her it wasn’t.

In a frantic pursuit of perfection I bossed everybody around and tried to limit the damage my 4 siblings aged 3 to 8 could do to a […]

The time I wanted to break my legs, otherwise titled, ‘In which I feel like sh*t”

I’d like to have energy and feel great. That is to say, I wish I did not have fibromyalgia.

That is to say, I wish I did not have continuous headaches, I wish I did not have a sore throat and earache 6 out of 10 days. I wish I didn’t feel like I was burning right under my skin down to my bones on the worse days. Like a huge elastic band snapped back and stung all over on the better days.

I wish I didn’t have lower back pain, shoulder and neck pain and I wish I didn’t have sharp pains in random places and I wish I wasn’t exhausted and feverish-feeling all the time. I wish stirring […]

It is well

There are busy people and calm people, fast and slow ones. Happy-go-lucky and melancholy people. There are al sorts of people and all sorts of days.

Busy ones and calm ones. Happy and melancholy. Days full of plans, dreams and energy, days that are empty, tired and without vision.

There are people who live in extremes and I might maybe possibly be one of them. If there is a happy day, I am certain that all days will from now on be like that, or I want to make sure they will be. When a slow and visionless day comes along I become instantly depressed and convinced that all days will from now on and henceforth ?always be […]

My fairy garden – for rainy or cold vacation days and broken teacups

Sunny summer afternoons. I close my eyes and I am lying beside a little creek that happily rumbles on by. Little flowers brighten the grass.

A cottage stands a few meters away, doors open, and inside the teapot stands, making a little chimney of damp up in the little kitchen.

A rabbit is eating clovers unders some bushes right behind me and I don’t move, not wanting to scare if off.

Butterflies and birds sing in the trees, the sun shines and everything sparkles in a calm, bright sort of way.


A loud crash sends me running to the kitchen to see what it is that broke and there it was, my most favoritest teacup, in a whole […]


At the end of the sand, the beginning of the water, and the water comes and goes. Feet in the wet sand and the wave comes back, covering my feet.

Waiting on the next wave, staring at the blue sky and the clouds far away. Seagulls fly there and come back and I want to ask them what they found there, far away in the golden sky. I can almost feel my wings as I imagine flying there but they are missing and so I stand and wait. I don’t know what I wait for, really. It’s always something different, something small and insignificant yet important to me at the moment. Underneath, surrounding that, there is a mysterious […]

Walking on this waterless floor

Abel is going to fight lions and Gabriel is going to save the world like Superman.

A little later they are scared of the dark and they don’t get the discrepancy in that.

I used to plan to go and save orphans, do big things and make everything better.

Now I clean the floor and I don’t know what to cook tonight. I am impatient with my boys who disturb me in my fretting about food. In my subconscious, I assume I will become patient in an orphanage full of children. I will most likely undergo a character transformation on the plane ride there. I must have figured that was how it would go when I was younger. Because […]