big blue eyes and yellow flowers

calebmamaThe little dimpled hands are ever so cute, clinging to me.

The big blue eyes he can charm anyone with are just too perfect. Pools of blue laughter, love and drama. His first steps, his headlong falling in my arms because he knows I will catch him and he is too lazy to learn how to walk. The little baby sounds, trying to copy ?my words. A giggle from deep down in the baby tummy bubbles up and seeps out through features in the expressive little face and the delighted mouth that isn’t scared to get really loud. Delightful, is what it is. What he is. Just like the flowers he tries to grab.

I don’t blame him. Their bright colors are pretty and alluring.


It’s also exhausting. One second on the floor and he wails for Mama, loud and heartbroken because his little brain can’t wrap itself around the fact that Mama still loves him, even though she does not pick him up. One second out of my sight and his world crashes. His head tilts back and a loud screech splits the air. Or he lets his little body fall face first on the floor, lying in a little puddle of misery, peeking up to see if I realize what I am doing to him, to his heart. The peek just undoes me, even as I sigh and wish for a moment of peace.

My brain is filled with a white cloudy mist and some mud and soon I think everything is too hard and I will never get a full night sleep again. There will always be too much work and I will be holding a squirming one-year-old all day and every day until I am 80.

I read a magical verse that won’t let me go.

He hangs the earth up on nothing’?(Job 26:7)

I imagine God flinging this huge ball of earth out into the dark spaces He just put there. I imagine Him carefully holding it in His hands. Holding it by an invisible loop He hangs the earth in space like I hang our christmas balls up in the tree with a little gold loop of thread. He doesn’t need loops of gold, or a tree. He just needs nothing.I imagine being on this ball of water, earth, jungle, dessert, towns and cities, villages and roads that connect them all together. Am I up or down, hanging upside down. Neither. God is all around.

Surely I can trust Him with the nights of missed sleep, the days with a little body glued to mine, and thank him for the flowers and the blue eyes?


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