Never enough and always the best

I am never good enough for you. For your sweet little smile.

I love you every moment, but when you scream I sometimes forget.

For you, I want to be the mom that I am in my thoughts, my plans and my dreams. And than you want things that are impossible.

I want to be there for you every day and do everything you want.

I don’t succeed in doing a lot.

Still, you throw your arms around me, when you go to sleep.

Still, you tell me you love me.

You tell me you want another hug, another kiss.

From me.

Even me.

Always me.

The Dream Dragon of Nostillitumtime

I flew up to the sun yesterday. I slid down the sunbeams, like the biggest slide on earth. They brought me to the SunLight Station and from there I went to the middle of the sun with the SunExpress. There, I had sun candies, and they tasted like light.

I caught a ride back with a falling star and quietly, sneakily, I tiptoed back into the house and lay down, back in bed. Nobody every knew.

I couldn’t possibly stay away from adventures after that. So, tonight I will dance in a rain cloud with all the raindrops. Then we will come falling down and I will slide down the rainbow on the back of the dream dragon. We will soar through the dark skies, and float quietly through the sleeping cities and villages and the dream dragon will blow dreams on sleeping children.

When we are done, we will have a dragonish breakfast of puffed clouds and a gale of wind, and some moonbeams for desert.

He will bring me back to my house, and quietly puff me in the window. Before leaving, he will kiss me with a big slobbery kiss, and blow a dragonish dream through […]

Garden magic

I walk to the far end of the garden, where the hedge meets the grass. Its branches, untouched for two years, droop down gently in a green, cascading waterfall. Now and then they ripple in the breeze.

In a few weeks, the hedge will be cut into a straight rectangle. It will be a bland, boring old lady, all prunes and prisms.

Now it is a kind friend. A friend who knows all the secrets of the garden, and will reveal them to a select few. She hides bugs, and bird nests. She protects children from colds winds and makes safe corners.

The grass is long, gone into seed. It looks like a meadow wanting to be played in, waiting for someone to lie down in its green carpet. Soft yet tickling, with little bugs exploring grass and the bodies or books on it.

Buttercups and daisies are sprinkled randomly, where the fairies wanted them most.

When I get up, it wants to remember a little longer that I was there. It keeps the imprint I made and then slowly lets it go. So slow I almost miss it, the grass sways back up, to dance in the […]

when life is not idyllic

Last year, we went to the Hallerbos. It is, as I told Abel, the place where fairies live. Every morning, before anybody else is awake they pick up their little buckets of glittery water and clean all the flowers until they shine.

I had been stalking the Hallerbos website for almost six weeks now, waiting until the Hyacinths would bloom. Then one Friday late in April we went, and I was quite excited about it.

The year before had been sunny and warm, we had picnicked and it was beautiful. Even though we did get a little lost and the walk took us a lot longer then planned.

So we parked at another parking lot, hoping it was closer to the flowers than the one we had parked at last year.

But it wasn’t.

And after about 2 minutes of walking the children decided they had enough and they wanted to go back to the car.

I, on the other hand, was intent on enjoying this walk and so I became the mom that over-cheerfully, loudly praised all the things the forest has to offer.

Mike wasn’t complaining, but the un-excitement was seeping of his face. He didn’t […]

Because sometimes, we don’t “get over it”

I’m a list-maker. I just love making lists.

I love that feeling of putting a check beside a line, of crossing out a line. It gives me a thrill.

When it comes to dealing with the though stuff of life, I want to put it in a list too. I want to deal with it and get it over with so that I can put a check beside that line.

But it just so happens to be that you can’t deal with everything by throwing it in a list and checking it of. A pity.

I started writing baby names in my journal when I was 13.

99% of them girl names.

I made it my mission to repeat my favorite names to my husband before we were even married, to get him used to the ones he didn’t like.

It worked (yay me), but we didn’t need the girl name for the first, the second or the third baby.

And I had the hardest time with that.

I brought it to God and tried to leave it there, I read this wonderful book about how God redeems our pain, and wrote down in my journal that I was […]

Een foto zegt niet altijd 1000 woorden

In the evening I sit on the steps that go from the kitchen down to the living room, and I want to take a picture.

For Instagram, you know. This moment is perfect, and I want to remember it. If perfect food goes on Instagram, shouldn’t perfect moments?

Because there is Mike, with Caleb on his feet, dancing to Billy Joel’s Piano Man.

Gabriel jumps from couch to couch to coffee table.

Abel dances around his daddy and two brothers, running and skipping.

But Caleb’s worn out sweatpants are sagging down. His t-shirt is dirty. Then there’s Gabriel who still has a considerable amount of food on his face, with a generous helping of snot wiped over and around it.

Abel’s one sock is falling off and the other one is pulled up high over his pants.

I don’t have a white wall, and they always do so well on Instagram.

So I sit here, looking as hard as I can. Sitting in the 3-D picture and it’s going viral in my heart.

To this perfect moment that looks so incredibly imperfect.

I send a laugh to Gabriel, who is telling me about the dragon he will kill. Dancing and […]

The time I wanted to break my legs, otherwise titled, ‘In which I feel like sh*t”

I’d like to have energy and feel great. That is to say, I wish I did not have fibromyalgia.

That is to say, I wish I did not have continuous headaches, I wish I did not have a sore throat and earache 6 out of 10 days. I wish I didn’t feel like I was burning right under my skin down to my bones on the worse days. Like a huge elastic band snapped back and stung all over on the better days.

I wish I didn’t have lower back pain, shoulder and neck pain and I wish I didn’t have sharp pains in random places and I wish I wasn’t exhausted and feverish-feeling all the time. I wish stirring porridge and mashing potatoes and lifting children and fastening seat belts and sitting and standing up and not lying in bed all day with a hot water bottle didn’t hurt and exhaust me quite so much.

I wish I didn’t have muscles that tell me I have an infection that really is just a figment of their imagination. Who knew muscles had an imagination?

I wish that even though I do have those things, I didn’t have the depressing feeling […]