My greatest fear? That I will have to live tomorrow, like this, and do things I am not up to doing.?And it won’t be fun, it might even be horrid. Today I feel sick and everything aches and my three little boys are wild little things who, when I want space and rest,?climb on me,?stick to me and jump on me. Some days it’s hard to find the joy in these moments. And then the fear creeps in, that every single day of the rest of my life will be exactly like this. I will never get rested or feel good or have any sort of personal space ever again. Tomorrow I will most likely realize that that was an emotional thought in an emotional moment. But even if it were the truth? I wonder… when were we called to have fun? Let’s not ask the mother who drowned with her child in her arms, who sees her daughter being taken away to be abused or she who has no food for her babies. Let’s not ask her if she worries that she will have to do things that are no fun. If she’s upset because she’s not?enjoying herself. Fun, […]
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9 Months of waiting. 9 Months takes forever and then some. I whine and cry and I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself 9 monthys is not all that long. The last days are another 9 months and the ones I go overdue are an eternity. I wait for the ?pain, welcome it when it comes. I must be masochistic. Ecstatic when the contractions comes, I want to take it all back when he doesn’t want to turn and I can’t push him out. I don’t want contractions and I don’t want a baby and I. want. this. baby. out. Then the moment we’ve waited for comes. 9 Months we’ve waited for this: a little perfect human being slips out, slips into our world and our lives. It’s a new little life that never was before. It looks at me with dark, blinking little eyes. I hold it close and welcome it. CALEB THEODORE Loyal and brave. And God’s gift. God’s gift of life to us. Why He would trust us with one of His treausres, I sure don’t know. And then again I do. Teaching us, leading us by giving us tiny little […] Sometimes the days seem to follow each other too quickly. I feel like I’m running on a barrel, trying to keep up so I don’t fall down. No time for rest, no time for peace. Diapers need changing and food needs to be cooked. Appointments and lunches and chickens in dirty coops.. I feel lost in the busyness, alone in the crowd. Doesn’t matter how many great friends I have, how many people I see and things I do. God seems silent and I got nothing when I read my bible. I ask Him to talk, but He waits. Waits until I make room, time in my life and my heart. A song, a lyric, a note, a thought, slowly I wander back. I want more, because i like the feeling of being found. It brings peace and joy, if I stay by His side. He talks to me and I hear Him again. My days are not random beads on a string that’s too full of them. There’s rest and hope and a reason, even though the busyness might be the same. He creates space where I saw none. Peace and love and kindness where there were none. We had a very busy weekend a few weeks ago. We were gone all day, at a crowded place where the children could not nap properly. I ran after our tired, sweaty little boys, trying to eat some food of my plate that I carried around, while other adults were sitting down and eating their food in glorious ease. Usually, I feel quite sorry for myself on occasions such as this. However, to my surprise I was contented and patient! As this does not come naturally to me at all, it shocked me more then a little. I explained to myself that it must be because I had put my mind to it. I had prepared myself that it would be unlikely that I could sit at the table for longer then 5 minutes. And so I was ok with it being so! I continued in this very agreeable train of thought for several minutes. But then a gentle nudging disturbed me. I had the impression that God was trying to tell me something. He spoke quietly, persistantly to my heart until I understood: I had nothing whatsoever to do with this patience. He had given […]
Screaming and yelling, the boys welcome papa home. They waited on him all day long. From the moment he stepped out the door, with them standing in front of the window, howling. They thought their life was as tragic as anything.
After we built a very high tower with the duplo blocks, and the oldest could kick it down, they decided that life was worth living after all.
Gabriel still naps in the morning. After that, I promised Abel, we can go see Izaak. His face becomes a smile. A beaming, grinning, mischieveous smile. According to him, baby is all done sleeping now. I say he’s not. 5 minutes later, baby is really done sleeping, Abel informs me. But mama does not agree with him.
We make a train, a pile of pillows to jump in, empty the toy boxes with the cars and baby toys, we draw Abel’s hand and get the mail, and we eat raisins. Then, we hear a noise coming from upstairs. We run up the stairs and the noise becomes a cry. The cry turns into a laugh soon enough, when mama […] I am on a mission. A mission to stop complaining about what is or can’t be, but the find joy and happiness in all the moments that fill my days, which in turn make up my life. I have a tendency to sigh and moan about the life I have and to look forward to another season in my life. Instead of enjoying this moment. Therefore I am going to try to live in this moment, to find joy in this day however long it may be. There are a lot of things to be happy about. Last week I went shopping with Abel and I didn’t have a coin for the cart. So I went in to look for a person, to change change with. The first person I spoke to didn’t have any, but she did look in her purse for a very long time because she was a very friendly sort of lady. The next ladies I went to had something better. A plastic coin from Food Lion that you can re-use. They were endeared by Abel. And they probably thought I was very pretty and nice. Monday I went to the store by myself. I’m doing […] A tree is a strong thing. A sure thing. When I was 6, we lived in a house in town, and we had a gigantic one. A few years ago I went to visit the church that meets there, on the first floor of the building that was our house. And I was quite indignant to see that the tree had been cut down. Like they’d cut down a part of my childhood.There’s a nursery in our living room the grass is long and mostly weeds and I try to see three little children running around. And dad drawing us big pictures on the blackboard and hey! Where’d that go, people? In the next house, we had a tree with a rope swing. The tree stood on the top of a little hill, so you could grab the rope and really swing. All romantical and real, you know. The house after that had poplars that we could climb in and since the top was cut of each year, we could stand on the flat part and be hidden by the branches growing above and around it. And then there was a weeping willow with a swing where I […] |
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