Mike’s grandmother passed away this week. It makes us think and stand still. Thinking about life, now and in eternity.
I wrote about it at Breeze.be. Since it’s Dutch there I put the translation up here.
The picture is not of my grandmother, because I didn’t have one right here. My mom-in-law is a dear and let me use one of hers. Not as long ago as my grandmother’s pictures, but still vintage 😉 And yes, she was and is really beautiful. Inside AND outside 🙂
I like looking at my grandmother?s old pictures. She?s young and she wears a dress. On another picture you see her in her nurses uniform. I always get melancholy.
You can see that life is smiling at her. She?s got her whole life ahead of her. She didn?t know how it would go, but she was eager to get started. It was still so long, so much. It stretched in front of her like a lazy country road with twists and turns she couldn?t see around, but she knew the road went on beyond them.
I know how it went. She was a nurse first, and later on she got married. With her […]
So I get up in the morning and dread the day because there’s 10 hours in this house with 2 boys and me. It’s raining outside and the kids are already going balistic.
They eat porridge and the table and hands and faces are full of it. Some lands on the floor. After like, forever, they are done eating and they are cleaned up and go play.
One second later the first cry ensues. Mom, everlasting judge and peacemaker, comes in between the two little cannibals.
We are now 24 minutes into our day.?An eternity awaits us.
I make up my mind to be patient and kind and I open my bible. This seemed to be the signal for the boys to start fighting over a book. My annoyance bubbles up again, from my stomach into my chest up to my throat until it reaches my eyes and the fire spews out at my two little muppets.
Gabri?l is young enough to be vulnerable. He cries at my anger. Abel is old enough to react in anger and his anger is fierce, pushing me away with flickering, angry eyes. I push my bible away because it does not seem to […]
My greatest fear? That I will have to live tomorrow, like this, and do things I am not up to doing.?And it won’t be fun, it might even be horrid. Today I feel sick and everything aches and my three little boys are wild little things who, when I want space and rest,?climb on me,?stick to me and jump on me. Some days it’s hard to find the joy in these moments. And then the fear creeps in, that every single day of the rest of my life will be exactly like this. I will never get rested or feel good or have any sort of personal space ever again. Tomorrow I will most likely realize that that was an emotional thought in an emotional moment. But even if it were the truth? I wonder… when were we called to have fun? Let’s not ask the mother who drowned with her child in her arms, who sees her daughter being taken away to be abused or she who has no food for her babies. Let’s not ask her if she worries that she will have to do things that are no fun. If she’s upset because she’s not?enjoying herself. Fun, […]
9 Months of waiting. 9 Months takes forever and then some.
I whine and cry and I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself 9 monthys is not all that long. The last days are another 9 months and the ones I go overdue are an eternity.
I wait for the ?pain, welcome it when it comes. I must be masochistic. Ecstatic when the contractions comes, I want to take it all back when he doesn’t want to turn and I can’t push him out. I don’t want contractions and I don’t want a baby and I. want. this. baby. out.
Then the moment we’ve waited for comes. 9 Months we’ve waited for this: a little perfect human being slips out, slips into our world and our lives. It’s a new little life that never was before. It looks at me with dark, blinking little eyes. I hold it close and welcome it.
CALEB THEODORE
Loyal and brave. And God’s gift. God’s gift of life to us. Why He would trust us with one of His treausres, I sure don’t know.
And then again I do.
Teaching us, leading us by giving us tiny little […]
I’m going psycho. I’m 40 weeks pregnant and I need to not be pregnant anymore.
I need to be able to wear pretty dresses, because it’s an important part of life.
I need to be able to move. Like a human, not a robot.
I need to be able to sleep without getting kicked away at. From the inside.
I need…
Well…you get it.
And really…I’ve been praying about it. Really seriously. I have prayed and asked for this baby to be born already. Like, 3 weeks ago. And it’s been an on repeat prayer, too.
How hard is it for God, who created everything and everybody, to let this baby be born? I ask for bread and I get a stone, that’s what it feels like.
But then the buts come in.
I am reminded of some words I read, not sure where. Pregnancy brain here. Don’t judge.
Anyway. The words in their exact order I have forgotten, but the message I have not. I’m great like that.
It went something like this:
‘Have I grasped all the gifts God gives me greedily? Have I giddily been enjoying the gifts, and not thanking the giver?’
And now, when […]
Sometimes the days seem to follow each other too quickly. I feel like I’m running on a barrel, trying to keep up so I don’t fall down. No time for rest, no time for peace.
Diapers need changing and food needs to be cooked. Appointments and lunches and chickens in dirty coops..
I feel lost in the busyness, alone in the crowd. Doesn’t matter how many great friends I have, how many people I see and things I do.
God seems silent and I got nothing when I read my bible. I ask Him to talk, but He waits.
Waits until I make room, time in my life and my heart.
A song, a lyric, a note, a thought, slowly I wander back. I want more, because i like the feeling of being found.
It brings peace and joy, if I stay by His side.
He talks to me and I hear Him again. My days are not random beads on a string that’s too full of them. There’s rest and hope and a reason, even though the busyness might be the same. He creates space where I saw none.
Peace and love and kindness where there were none.
[…]
We had a very busy weekend a few weeks ago. We were gone all day, at a crowded place where the children could not nap properly. I ran after our tired, sweaty little boys, trying to eat some food of my plate that I carried around, while other adults were sitting down and eating their food in glorious ease. Usually, I feel quite sorry for myself on occasions such as this.
However, to my surprise I was contented and patient! As this does not come naturally to me at all, it shocked me more then a little.
I explained to myself that it must be because I had put my mind to it. I had prepared myself that it would be unlikely that I could sit at the table for longer then 5 minutes. And so I was ok with it being so!
I continued in this very agreeable train of thought for several minutes. But then a gentle nudging disturbed me.
I had the impression that God was trying to tell me something. He spoke quietly, persistantly to my heart until I understood: I had nothing whatsoever to do with this patience. He had given […]
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