The impossibility of not believing

I grew up in a Christian family.
I’m grateful for this, because I heard the gospel from a very young age.
However, you could say that the downside of this is that it becomes something you think is normal, and you don’t really let it change your life.
To me, Christianity was more about religion (following the bible rulebook), than having a relationship with God.

Then, as I started growing older, I started to make friends outside of Sunday?school. And they all seemed to think God was lame!! Here is the thing about my story? I never doubted God. I knew?He was there. I knew this in my mind but also in my heart, soul and emotions. I just doubted whether I wanted to follow Him because it was not a cool thing to do.

So for a couple years I lived the double life. Being the good Christian at home, while at school I would just avoid talking about anything that had to do with God. I didn’t act like I had any morals, either. I still believed God was real, and felt guilty about this, but in the end I never did anything about it.

Around this time, I got into a relationship with a boy that was in the same situation as I. He professed to be a Christian (which I figured made it OK for us to date each other), but neither of us had a personal relationship with God. And since neither of us really involved or acknowledged God in any area of our lives, why would we do that in our relationship? So, like most other couples our age, we went too far.?As a result, we were both bowed down with an incredible amount of self condemnation, guilt, shame, insecurity… you name it! Our relationship lasted another year but then we broke up.

After that I went through a period in which I couldn’t stand to live this double life anymore, but I didn’t think I could be the ‘good girl’, so I decided to step away from God even further. I still believed He was there, but I did not call myself a Christian anymore. This worked for about a month. I soon discovered that a life without God was so much more depressing then a life with God, even though I did not feel like I met any standards. It did not make me happier to get drunk, get any guy I wanted, to smoke, stay out late… In other words, all the things I did to try to fit in and be popular. I missed the still comfort and peace I saw my real Christian friends had in their lives.

Sadly, it still took me another year to fall on my knees. Completely unhappy and depressed, I decided to give Christianity one more chance. I enrolled in a discipleship training school in the US (far away from home so I wouldn’t have a way out) and I told God that this was my last try. Either all the way or not at all!

And boy, did God take that serious! From day one He showed up big time! In that first year of school, I learned the difference between believing in God and being in a relationship with God. I still know God is real, but now this is a comfort, instead of a condemnation.

I now choose to be the ‘good girl’, but I have finally figured out that the only good thing about the good girl is that she lives under grace, the grace of God. I took a step forward, accepting His hand.?I still make a lot of mistakes and do bad things, but I now know I have to run to my Father, that I am covered by?His grace and will receive His forgiveness.

No double life but a whole heart living fully for Christ.

This post is part of my 31 days series ‘More like My Father’.