Walking on this waterless floor

Abel is going to fight lions and Gabriel is going to save the world like Superman.

A little later they are scared of the dark and they don’t get the discrepancy in that.

I used to plan to go and save orphans, do big things and make everything better.

Now I clean the floor and I don’t know what to cook tonight. I am impatient with my boys who disturb me in my fretting about food. In my subconscious, I assume I will become patient in an orphanage full of children. I will most likely undergo a character transformation on the plane ride there. I must have figured that was how it would go when I was younger. Because although I never showed many signs of patience with my younger siblings, in the orphanage of my dreams I was almost a saint.

Walking on water. As if I can only do that when I’m somewhere else, doing something great and noble and good. It has no use whatsoever to do it right here and right now.

It is quite sad, of course, that there are children who have no mom and do dad. I would be totally awesome if they all had incredibly patient people to take care of them.

But I fail to see why my children can’t have that. Like, a patient mom, or something like that.

Maybe I’d better start, with that walking on water.

It isn’t nearly as spectacular as Peter, who got to literally get out of the boat and on the water. It is more like a floor that is clean now and then. A car that needs to be vacuumed. And I get to walk to little people who are sometimes full of snot and who poop in their diapers. For some reason, my brains seem to think the whole walking on the water thing is more romantic. In the dark. With some thunder and lightening, nice and dramatic. Yes, I’m sure I could do that.

But now? Look here, God, if You had made me healthy and given me lots of energy, then I could do that. So I’m just going to sit here and wait it out.

God furrows His eyebrows and asks me why not now? If I like the whole dramatic scene, the challenge, is this not the perfect time?

Here, He says. You can also live in your parent-in-laws’ house with your brother-and-sister-in-law. Like a new level, more difficult then the last one. As if it is a game with assignments and different levels.

He is kind enough to let me do this in a beautiful house with a big green garden.

There we go.

You want to bring honour and glory to My name?

What do you think. Is it more awesome and miraculous if I give you energy and health, that you can go and do all sorts of things for Me, or is it more wonderful if I allow you to feel really lousy and you STILL are patient and kind and forgiving. Or become those things, rather.

What, He asks me, if I happen to think that this is more important for you, in this moment. And what if you stop comparing with others? Like Aslan says in Narnia, ‘ I only tell you your story, not others’ stories’.

Go ahead and start. When you are ready. Not when you feel ready, that doesn’t have much to do with it.

I begin and a little later I fall through the water and hey, God, this is so not working! The water isn’t supporting my weight at all. It’s letting me fall through. And that whole being sick thing, it’s just as bad! I am slipping and falling and my body doesn’t want to work with me. I feel unhappy and everything sucks.He stretches out His hands to me and smiles, not mad or annoyed at all. I take another step and keep looking at Him because if I take my eyes of Him and look around at the waves and the people surrounding me, I slip and fall again.

But He, He stretches out HIs hands to me and He smiles.