An illegitimate Christian

Afterwards I was sure it must not have been true, it could not have been real, because I still got so mad and impatient and disobedient. I hope I don’t have a child that is too much like me. I was a little, emotional, temperamental fright.

How disappointed I would have been if I would have known I’d still be struggling with that at 24! I figured my sister was a real Christian because she never got so mad?and she was never as naughty as I was. I felt like I could only legitimately call myself a Child of God once I was pretty much perfect. When people asked me when I decided to follow Jesus, especially people I knew, I never mentioned this moment. I was ashamed of the fact that I still failed so?humongously and everybody could see that. All the time.

Now, I do believe I genuinely decided to follow Jesus at that moment, wanting Him to be my Savior, my life. Just as I saw He was for my parents. The thing is…?I’ve?come ?to see that because I told Jesus the classic ‘From now on I want to be Your child for ever and always, I invite you in my heart and I want to?always?listen to You’… well, that doesn’t mean a fairy sprinkled some magic dust on me and that ever after that… I was perfect.

It would have been easier.

But it would have been rather too easy, wouldn’t it? Jesus died to save me from my sins. He didn’t die to save me from effort, from having to work for it, from having to decide to stay grafted in the vine.

There have been moments, times, wherein I wanted to forget about it and do my own thing. Enjoy this world. Enjoy what I want to enjoy. But I always had to come back to Christ, my Vine. I was just a branch, and the moment I let go of the Vine, searching for other vines, I started dying. I don’t think staying grafted with Him is easy, but I don’t think He intended for it to be easy.

I often struggled, and still do sometimes, about being a Christian and still failing so miserably. It seems like I should be a lot more perfect when Jesus walks by my side, helps me all the time. But the fact is and will be that I am human. And always will be.

Slowly, Jesus is changing me. So slowly I often don’t even notice it. But He doesn’t expect me to be perfect.

One important lesson I’m learning is ‘grace in the middle’. I sometimes think I might as well quit trying for the day. You know, those moments where you are mad, and instead of repenting and letting Christ take over, you get madder because you are so disappointed in yourself for getting mad? I’m learning to repent halfway, or even if it’s almost at the end. Just make a U-turn. It’s not easy, but it’s so much better that way.

And through it all, every failing and every success, I know I am His daughter. He claimed me for His own. I most likely sang ‘Jesus loves me’ type of songs in Sunday school as soon as I could sing, I consciously accepted Him as my savior when I was 9, and again and again and again afterwards. I was baptized at 16 and it kept right on going. Deciding every day again, to be His , to act through Him and not through my flesh.

And however slow it may go, someday I do hope to be like Him.

And someday I know I will be with Him.

This post is part of my 31 days series ‘More like My Father’.