9 Months of waiting. 9 Months takes forever and then some.
I whine and cry and I try to stay strong. I try to tell myself 9 monthys is not all that long. The last days are another 9 months and the ones I go overdue are an eternity.
I wait for the ?pain, welcome it when it comes. I must be masochistic. Ecstatic when the contractions comes, I want to take it all back when he doesn’t want to turn and I can’t push him out. I don’t want contractions and I don’t want a baby and I. want. this. baby. out.
Then the moment we’ve waited for comes. 9 Months we’ve waited for this: a little perfect human being slips out, slips into our world and our lives. It’s a new little life that never was before. It looks at me with dark, blinking little eyes. I hold it close and welcome it.
CALEB THEODORE
Loyal and brave. And God’s gift. God’s gift of life to us. Why He would trust us with one of His treausres, I sure don’t know.
And then again I do.
Teaching us, leading us by giving us tiny little […]
I’m going psycho. I’m 40 weeks pregnant and I need to not be pregnant anymore.
I need to be able to wear pretty dresses, because it’s an important part of life.
I need to be able to move. Like a human, not a robot.
I need to be able to sleep without getting kicked away at. From the inside.
I need…
Well…you get it.
And really…I’ve been praying about it. Really seriously. I have prayed and asked for this baby to be born already. Like, 3 weeks ago. And it’s been an on repeat prayer, too.
How hard is it for God, who created everything and everybody, to let this baby be born? I ask for bread and I get a stone, that’s what it feels like.
But then the buts come in.
I am reminded of some words I read, not sure where. Pregnancy brain here. Don’t judge.
Anyway. The words in their exact order I have forgotten, but the message I have not. I’m great like that.
It went something like this:
‘Have I grasped all the gifts God gives me greedily? Have I giddily been enjoying the gifts, and not thanking the giver?’
And now, when […]
My son is a very sweet little guy. Remember that before you read on.
This morning he found a worm outside, while digging in the gravel. Because why play with toys when there is such a thing as gravel?
He made friends with the worm and provided The Worm with a home. Several homes, in fact. At first, he proclamied the window sill to be The Worm’ house. Then the worm moved to the grass. The Worm, however, was lonely, and wanted to stay with Abel. They played together for a little while, with Abel pulling and squeezing the worm while lovelingly talking baby talk to it.
I, having softened my heart towards the worm, despite it’s yucky slimyness and squishyness, told Abel that The Worm would like to live in the empty crockery pot beside the window. Abel still regards me as an expert in such things as understanding the hearts’ desires of worms. Yay for me.
To make Abel feel involved, and like a good worm-parent, I advised him to make The Worm a grass bed. This he did, together with Gabriel, very enthusiastically. He added some gravel, just to make sure The Worm […]
Yesterday was a cold but sunny day. We should have gone outside, but we didn’t. And I chose to not feel guilty about it. I can go outside tomorrow.
The sun brightened our lives by shining through the windows. It also showed the dirt on the windows, but that’s fine. Since we are moving, the house is meant to be messy and dirty. Never mind that it usually is. Just never mind about that. It’s right now that matters, that’s what.
I had to go to town in the morning, and I got to go all by myself. I listened to Rend Collective and I put it on really, really loud. It was awesome. And then I had to come back and I did it again.
After picking up Abel from school I put both of the little fellas in their beds, and I had an entire hour to cook with no boys hanging on my skirts. It was….awesome. I finally made a recipe from Shauna Niequist’s book ‘Bread and Wine’ that I had gotten a year ago because I dislike cooking. Trina Holden recommended it ?because it talks about the importance of the time we spend around the […]
Sometimes the days seem to follow each other too quickly. I feel like I’m running on a barrel, trying to keep up so I don’t fall down. No time for rest, no time for peace.
Diapers need changing and food needs to be cooked. Appointments and lunches and chickens in dirty coops..
I feel lost in the busyness, alone in the crowd. Doesn’t matter how many great friends I have, how many people I see and things I do.
God seems silent and I got nothing when I read my bible. I ask Him to talk, but He waits.
Waits until I make room, time in my life and my heart.
A song, a lyric, a note, a thought, slowly I wander back. I want more, because i like the feeling of being found.
It brings peace and joy, if I stay by His side.
He talks to me and I hear Him again. My days are not random beads on a string that’s too full of them. There’s rest and hope and a reason, even though the busyness might be the same. He creates space where I saw none.
Peace and love and kindness where there were none.
[…]
We had a very busy weekend a few weeks ago. We were gone all day, at a crowded place where the children could not nap properly. I ran after our tired, sweaty little boys, trying to eat some food of my plate that I carried around, while other adults were sitting down and eating their food in glorious ease. Usually, I feel quite sorry for myself on occasions such as this.
However, to my surprise I was contented and patient! As this does not come naturally to me at all, it shocked me more then a little.
I explained to myself that it must be because I had put my mind to it. I had prepared myself that it would be unlikely that I could sit at the table for longer then 5 minutes. And so I was ok with it being so!
I continued in this very agreeable train of thought for several minutes. But then a gentle nudging disturbed me.
I had the impression that God was trying to tell me something. He spoke quietly, persistantly to my heart until I understood: I had nothing whatsoever to do with this patience. He had given […]
The book ‘Christy’ ends with ”The joy of the children was in his face.’
I often think of that sentence when Abel laughs. He is so full of glee, overjoyed with life, he really has ‘the joy of the children’. ?He makes me think of all those bible verses that talk of joy and of children: being like a child and letting the children come. I look at Abel’s huge grin when I pick him up from school or when he gets the juice he so longed for. Like nothing bad can ever happen again. And think I should be more like him. Full of joy, anticipation, surpise and glee at what life brings.
This morning he sat on my lap and we sang ‘Old McDonald had a farm’ a zillion times. With every imaginable animal included. His smile was delicious and his hugs unexpected. We read book after book and were cozy and snug.
It was life, and it was good. And I was exactly where God wanted me at that moment, doing what He gave me to do.
I found lots of little joys.
I’m learning to let go of schedules and lists and to trust […]
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