Healing after depression

You can read part 1 of Sara’s story here

Around my 16th birthday I glided into a depression as a result of emotional abuse. This time was unbelievably dark and hopeless. It is strange to think how sickness can alter a person. My parents and sister were at an utter loss what to do. How do you relate to a child/sister who does not see even a glimmer of hope and who doesn’t seem to appreciate your help or your presence?

Although I was surrounded by people who loved me and who would have a really hard time if I were not to be here anymore, it got more and more difficult to get through the next day. Sometimes people say ‘Committing suicide is so selfish!”. And I have to admit I used to think the same way.

But isn’t it terribly harrowing that people sometimes just can’t face life anymore, in spite of the presence of family and loving friends, and that their help and support doesn’t even soften the pain?

The fact that sometimes, people don’t see a way out anymore, sometimes because of depression, and decide to take their own life…

I have been on that point. Although I was a convince Christian, it just seemed impossible to climb out of the pit. I would have preferred to just leave pain and effort from this earth and go to God already.

I knew that would really hurt my family, but life was a heavy task and hard to bear. In the end, I never undertook an attempt because of the simple reason that I didn’t know whether I would go to heaven. Yes, I was a Christian and I believed in God very deeply, but taking your own life…isn’t that against His will Well…then I thought…it’s not worth it to end up in hell forever. Then it’s probably better here.

Now I think it’s funny that such a simple question kept me alive. But it was God’s grace. After searching for a long time, we found an antidepressant that worked and that didn’t give me to many side symptoms. Slowly but surely the dark heavens seemed to clear up and step by step I crawled out of the ark pit. In 2010 I felt good again and everything seemed to finally be solved.

Until in July, I heard that my parents were separating. Slap. A slap in the face. The world as I knew it crashed down. My relationship with my mother fell apart like a big wreckage. I couldn’t understand it, nor accept it. For a very long time I was very angry

The combination of my first year of university and this happening made my doctor advice me not to stop taking the antidepressant. In the summer of 2011 I participated in Sport Quest. The realization that all of this happening had been a year, made me very heavy-hearted. I was sad and very edgy.

Often, I was less friendly then I would like. Last summer, in 2012, the participants of Sport Quest were in the same building in Zaventem as where my band has practice. During a break from our repetition I went to the room where they were to say hi. At one point a girl who had been in my group the year before came up to me. She was so surprised that her mouth literally fell open. She said “Sara, you have changed so much!” “um..I only have new glasses.” Was my response.

“No, you’re glowing!”

Without me even noticing, God had begun healing my heart. And that healing was apparently noticeable in comparison on how I had felt and acted the year before.

I can only conclude that God keeps on lifting me out of the pit and heals me, sometimes slowly, but always surely. He is a good Father and oh so faithful. He won’t allow me to fall without without being able to get up again. Even though I’m flat on my face, God stretches out His hand to pull me up again.

This post is part of my 31 days series ‘More like My Father’.